Unknowingly, May 2022 became the moment where everything changed for us. Rhiyan successfully completed her goal of graduating high school and with honors in three years. She was 16 years old and had been accepted to her dream school with a fantastic financial aid package. I always told her if she was accepted to this school, great; If they pay for it, who am I to say she can’t go. So now that high school is over, the college acceptance has been submitted, and checklists have been reviewed – I have to accept the changes that are coming.

If you’ve been following this blog or our Instagram page, you know it’s always been just the two of us. My career is in college athletics and we’ve moved a lot as I was chasing my dream position. But once high school started I paused chasing that position. I wanted to be fully present in everything she did and I did not want her having multiple high school transcripts as that can be challenging when applying to college. Florida became home and has been the longest we’ve stayed in spot. Knowing this has been home throughout the entire high school years, it felt right to stay for freshman year of college – just in case. We’ve lived here for five years now and it has its pros and cons. It’s also a comfortable space as there’s familiarity here. Change can be scary so having somewhere that feels safe was needed for both of us. 

As Rhiyan is navigating a new chapter in her life, I’m trying to find out who I am without her. This is a topic that most moms endure as their children grow up. Most posts and articles are based on moms with multiple children or moms with younger children. Those articles make it feel as if there’s still time to make a plan on remembering who you were before your kids. I didn’t make that plan early. I’m in it now and it is very emotional. As mentioned earlier, it has always been just the two of us. I’m a single parent and everything I do, I do for my daughter. Every time I chased a job, I made sure there was a benefit for her. Every time we moved to a different state/city, I made sure there was something in that area that would benefit her. As we were going through the college application process, I thought I broke her as she was sharing her college essay. But now, I like to think all of that was some type of osmosis that helped shape a part of who she is now. But what about me? She’s not here anymore. We are currently 1,256 miles apart. That’s 18 hours, 41 minutes or a 4 – 5 hour flight. Yes, there’s some distance.   I thought about finding a new job closer to her, but that’s selfish on my part. I want her to experience life and all that comes with it. I want her to make new friends and acquaintances as well as enjoy living in a part of the country we haven’t together. This is her space and her time. Airlines exist and flights can be scheduled for visits. 

But again, what about me? I’m learning to navigate my emotions and not ignore them. I have good days and not so good days. I’m trying get back into being intentional about the choices I make for myself. A positive on this has been my grocery bill. Only purchasing what I know I will eat and enjoy is saving me a lot of money. I’m also exploring the idea of going back to my original career plan. Yes, the pause allowed me to restructure my ultimate goal as well as set some professional boundaries, but I’m still career driven. Plus I want to use my hard earned degree in the true field I belong in. Some are probably thinking it should be easy exploring this option; just go back to how my professional life was before having my daughter. Well, plot twist. Rhiyan has been a part of my entire professional life. I was pregnant with her during my first paid internship in college athletics. I completed a two year graduate program in Kinesiology/Athletic Administration in one year mainly because she was 2 years old and I needed to provide. My career in athletics included my learning to become the best woman, mother, and role model I could be for her while navigating the good old boys club of college athletics. 

Hopefully there’s a better understanding on why this transition is extra emotional for me. I don’t know who I was before her because I was still finding that person out. During that time I had also just finished my undergraduate degree and was also still grieving the unexpected passing of my mother. There hasn’t really been a time where it was just me. This transition is needed for me. I’m honestly scared out of my mind, but I’m excited for what I find. I’ve been told for a long time that I have my mother’s strength. I pray that I find its full power while going through these next months. Follow along for my journey.

– Kelli