Sometimes I wonder if the way I feel, my anxiety and depression and fear of what’s next is how my mom felt with me. I remember reading a letter from her and reading some of her journal entries about her sadness. She was sad because I was now a teenager and had my own identity away from her. And it scares me that as strong and independent as I come off, I’m very fragile still. And I too am sad that Rhiyan is becoming into her own identity.

So much has happened this year. The world is experiencing the coronavirus, the racial tension that we all know exists is being televised, and I’m going through the stages of grief again. I mean I guess this is a part of my grief. I’m no expert but I have unfortunate experience with the 7 stages of grief.

Step 1: Shock and disbelief

Step 2: Denial

Step 3: Pain

Step 4: Anger

Step 5: Bargaining

Step 6: Depression

Step 7: Acceptance/Hope

And there is no right or organizational way to deal with each step; or even experience them all. Everyone grieves differently and may start at a different step. It’s been five months since starting my grief pattern again and I’m currently in step 6: Depression.

I know this step well as I’ve undiagnosed been here for the majority of my adult life. How did I get here? My mother died while I was still a young undergraduate student – not even 21 years old was I. It was and remains the hardest life trial I’ve ever experienced. It was sudden and still somewhat unexplainable. I was told it was an aortic aneurysm that killed her instantly. I think back a lot on our last conversation which was that night before; Our last visit which was that previous weekend as I went home to take her an early birthday present. I have so many memories that I started to pick at the details and think what if. So at times I guess I am also in step 5: Bargaining.

There’s no rule book that says you can’t be in multiple stages of grief at the same time either. And again, I’m no therapist but when in two steps at the same time, it hurts.

I’m experiencing step 5: Bargaining a bit more this time around. My dad died in the early days of January 2020. He’d been very sick for a while. You know when you go to the doctor for your annual exam and they ask for family Illnesses. Well I check 95% of the boxes. My dad had them all at some point in the last ten years. Congestive heart failure, hypertensive heart disease, blood pressure, diabetes, dementia, prostate cancer, blindness, strokes, seizures, low oxygen levels, kidney issues, history of pneumonia, PAD, anxiety, depression, thyroid disease, and well that’s that and I think there’s more. But this is a lot.

He experienced so much that tested his will and could’ve given up many times but his will to live was strong. And at times I do feel guilty of not visiting more. I don’t live in the same area let alone same geographical area as the majority of my family. After my mom passed, I ran away; Away from the hurt and the stress of living without her. And now I’m living a life without both of my parents. The elders have now joined the ancestors. And in today’s world, I’m glad to have them watching over me and adding an extra layer of security. I guess that also means I have briefly touched step 7: Acceptance/Hope. 

Everyone has their own way of grieving. Everyone also has their own timing with grief. I honestly believe it never truly goes away, but just gets easier to deal with as we continue to live.